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Dark Circles/Transcript
Salesman: I like you, I'm gonna put you down for twenty boxes. Brent Leroy: Twenty? I can't afford... Salesman: I'm doing you a favour. But no discount unless you order thirty boxes. Brent: No! What I want is... Salesman: Thirty boxes, you got it. Nice doing business with you, buddy boy. Lacey Burrows: Did that guy just wink at me? Brent: You got off easy. Sometimes, he pats my bum. Lacey: Who was that guy? Brent: Ah, he's just some pushy salesman. Lacey: Oh, what does he sell? Brent: Oh, all kinds of stuff. OK, I don't really know. I said he's pushy. Lacey: So, you are telling me that you just bought 30 boxes of something and you don't know what? Brent: Hey, aren't you gonna ask me why I'm not wearing my work shirt? Lacey: 'Cause that guy told you not to? Brent: It slipped off the hook and then into the garbage and then out to the dumpster and hauled away. Lacey: You know Brent, I'm a little more concerned about you getting pushed around by this guy. Brent: Yeah, I ordered a new one. Should be here soon. Lacey: OK, are you just making up my side of this conversation? Brent: A little hungry, yeah. Emma Leroy: You can start in the hall upstairs. Oscar Leroy: Who's that? Emma: Robert Redford. Oscar: Baloney. Wait, that's a painter isn't it? You hired a painter. You said we were gonna talk about this first. Emma: And we did. Emma: I'm getting a painter for upstairs. Oscar: We're not getting any painting done, and that final. Emma: See, we talked about it. Oscar: The paint fumes make me queasy. If you go ahead with this, I'm gonna find somewhere else to sleep. Emma: If that's a threat, you should make it less appealing. Hank Yarbo: Say, is Brent around? Gotta talk to him about something. Wanda Dollard: OK then, off you go. Hank: Yeah, it's kinda of a secretive thing. Wanda: OK then, off you go. Hank: I mean I'd tell you too Wanda but every time I tell you about one of my plans, not that this is a plan, necessarily, but, you know, you make fun of me. Wanda: That's not fair. I don't just make fun of your plans. I make fun of your clothes and your truck. I make fun of how broke you are and the stupid things you say and the weird smell that comes off you sometimes. Don't I? Hank: True, yeah. Wanda: So then, you'll have to admit, I'm pretty fair and well rounded about it. Hank: Yeah, OK, you got a point there. Sorry I came down so hard on ya. Wanda: Apology accepted. Hank: Hey, I gotta talk to ya. Brent: Me too. You wanna buy 30 boxes of something? Hank: How much? Brent: 110 bucks. Hank: Nope, my turn. I was watching a TV show last night and they showed how people make those UFO crop circles. Brent: Interesting. 100 even, and that's less than my cost. Hank: I don't wanna buy a buncha...what's in the boxes again? Brent: Probably something awesome. Hank: Damn! I would but I'm broke. And don't tell Wanda, she'll make fun of me, all right? Anyway, I'm gonna fake some UFO crop circles tonight and freak people out. You want in? Brent: Intriguing. How do we do it? Hank: Well, we... Brent: You lost me. Oscar: Listen. I gotta sleep at your place for a while. Davis Quinton: Why? Is everything OK? Oscar: If it was OK, I wouldn't have to find somewhere else to sleep. Not exactly detective material, are ya? Davis: You know, if you need a favour from someone, maybe you should insult that person less. Oscar: Come on, it'll be fun. Like a sleep around. Davis: Why can't you sleep at home? Oscar: Just the thought of staying there makes me queasy. I'll see you at suppertime. I eat at six. Karen Pelly: What was that about? Davis: I think Oscar and Emma maybe splitting up. Karen: Harsh. Hey, they were out of popsicles so I got you a creamsicle. Davis: That's all you have to say about this? Karen: What? Would you rather have a fudgsicle? Lacey: A divorce? Oscar and Emma? Wow, that's a real bombshell. Davis: You see? That's an appropriate response. Sadness and outrage. Lacey: I'm not outraged. Not even sure if I'm sad. I'm mean, maybe it's the best thing for them. Anyway, the soup today is mushroom. Karen: Is there a sandwich special? Davis: How can you eat at a time like this? Lacey: So nothing for you? Davis: No, I just had a creamsicle. And a fudgsicle. Anyways, until we know for sure, I don't want either of you spreading this around. Davis: Kaputski. Emma kicked him to the curb. It's heartbreaking. Wanda: Don't be such a sap. Do you have any idea of what it would be like to live with Oscar? Davis: I'm about to find out. Wanda: Yeah, well, Emma put in 40 years. By the time you hit 40 minutes, you'll be thinking of places to hide a body. Davis: They just argue out of habit. They'd be lost without each other. Oscar: I packed my bag and I'm leaving. You thought I wouldn't do it. Emma: I thought you left an hour ago. Wanda: Yep. They're a couple of star-crossed love birds. Davis: Has anybody even thought of what this will do to Brent? Wanda: Let's find out. Hey Brent. You hear your parents are Splitsville? Brent: I got real problems. Check this out. They made my shirt the wrong colour. Hank: Hey, Karen. You see those weird lights over at Bucht's farm last night? Karen: No. What kind of lights? Hank: Weird ones. In the sky, you know, flying, yet unidentifiable, presumably, from some objects. Karen: You mean like UFOs? Hank: Whoa, hey! Where'd that come from? Karen: What time was this? Hank: Eight, no, I mean later, midnight. I mean, ah, I don't know, 'cause ah, come to think of it, um, my watch stop working. Weird. You should check it out. Karen: Well, I don't know anything about watches, but OK. Let's take a look. Hank: No, no, not my watch. You should check out the field. You know, look into it. You know, like a cop would do. Phil (Painter): Are the fumes bothering you? Emma: No, the fumes aren't bothering me. It's all these bats? Phil: Are you OK? Emma: Oh, yeah. Ooh, but this spaghetti is awful. Brent: I'm out of paper towels out there so could you go get more? Wanda: I'm doing a crossword so could you go and talk less? Brent: I'm serious. We need paper towels out there. Wanda: Or what? It wouldn't be the first time someone in this town wiped their hands on their pants. Brent: Could you just go and grab some paper towels? Wanda: Yeah, you bet. I'll do it now. Davis: Hey! Oscar: Right from the carton. Like being on vacation. Oh, did you want that? Davis: Well, kinda. But, but that's OK. I know this is a difficult time for you. Oscar: Yeah, I hate mornings. Lacey: New shirt, huh? Brent: Hawkeye. Lacey: You like it in black like that? Brent: A shirt's a shirt. Lacey: You OK? Brent: I will be when I get this baby. '70 'Cuda with a 440 six-pack and a pistol grip 4 speed. Lacey: Mmm-hmm. I didn't know you were into hot-rods. Brent: Plenty you don't know about me. Lacey: Heh, heh. Davis: Hey, Emma. Emma: Oh. Davis: How you doing? Emma: Oh. OK I guess. Davis: Be honest. This is getting to you, isn't it? Emma: Well, maybe just a little but it'll be worth it in the long run. Davis: You know, uh, Oscar's really upset about this. Emma: It'll be all right. You'll see. Both of you. Maybe the fumes are getting to me. Lacey: Have you noticed anything odd about Brent? Wanda: 40 year old dude who reads comic books. His nose whistles. How much time you got? Lacey: Aw, you know, he just seems different lately. He's not his usual happy-go-lucky, well, goofy-go-lucky, goofy-go-lazy. You know, he's just not himself. And honestly, I find this new blacked shirted Brent to be a little unnerving. Wanda: Heh, heh. OK, Glenda Good Witch, it's just a shirt. No need to be scared of it. Brent: Bathrooms are dirty. Wanda: Sorry Brent, I'll get on it ready away. Hank: Hey. Did anyone mention those mysterious crop circles over at Bucht's farm, eh? Heh, heh. Karen's gonna be freaked out, I made them last night. Brent: It's the middle of May. I mean, correct me if I'm wrong but if you wanna make crop circles, don't you need a crop? Hank: There's crops, kinda. Brent: You spent the night making dirt circles. Hank: I can't wait for crops, I wanna freak people out now. Brent: So pretend to read a book. Hank: Huh? Brent: Look, you don't have to do much to rattle people. Like, I'm wearing this new shirt. Suddenly, everyone's nervous and edgy around me. And I'm playing it up too, being all sullen and aloof, like the Fonz. Hank: Hmm. What kinda book? Brent: It doesn't matter. Just make you're holding it right side up. Hank: It sounds complicated. I'm sticking with the UFO thing. Oscar: What the hell are you doing? Hank: Oh, hey. Yeah, ah, Davis called. Said his lawn was too tall. Needed me to flatten it out for him. In a mysterious pattern. Oscar: It's a circle. Hank: Ya freaked out? Oscar: I'm calling the cops. Hank: Does Davis know you're wearing his pants? Karen: Sorry, official complaint. Gotta make it official. Hank: You know, you should put these on behind my back. Otherwise, I could wrap them around your neck or something. Karen: But then I'd shoot you. Hank: Aw, right. Relax, I was just sayin'. Gas Customer: Yeah, so it was cloudy this morning but it looks like it's clearing up. Brent: Whoopy-ding. Gas Customer: Pardon? Brent: You heard me. Wanda: Drool much? Lacey: Ha, I'm not drooling. Wanda: Whatever you say drooly, but you like this new bad boy Brent, don't you? Lacey: Brent, a bad boy? The same Brent who won't eat crunchy peanut butter because, and I quote, "it feels lumpish and bumply." Wanda: That was blue shirt Brent. Black shirt Brent would eat crunchy peanut butter right off a spoon. No bread. He's a bad boy and you like it. Lacey: Oh, as if. Look, I'm a grown woman. I'm not some freckly-faced girl in junior high. Wanda: Really? 'Cause you just used the phrase "as if." Lacey: Oh, whatever? I'm mean, give me a little credit. Wanda: Drooly. Hank: Cop station's back that way. Karen: I'm taking you to clean up that fake crop circle you burnt into Bucht's field. I can't believe I fell for that. Hank: Yeah, pretty good, huh? Ha, ha, wait. I didn't burn a circle in Bucht's field. Karen: Well, if you didn't do it, then... Hank: Then what? Karen: Hey, you don't think... Hank: Think, think what? Oh my God! Karen, you're not gonna believe what I'm about to tell you. Karen: That aliens made the burn mark? Hank: No, but that does make more sense. Karen: Davis, what are you doing? Davis: Extra-terrestrial visitors. Those are their markings. Karen: I don't think we need to... Davis: Karen, I want you to get the RCMP down here right away. Tell 'em that we got a 10-92. Karen: Parking violation? Davis: By aliens. All right everyone! Step back, step back! Davis: We got scorch marks, and some kind of strange metal. Hey, not so close! There could be radiation. Oh, and radiation. Karen: Come on, there's no radiation. Farmer: I can't plant my crops in a field full of radiation. Hank: You probably get giant carrots and tomatoes. Farmer: Radiation kills people. Hank: Still, giant carrots. Karen: C'mon, aren't we overreacting here? I mean, it's probably just an elaborate prank. Done by someone else, from another town. Hank: I don't know, Karen. In the car, we both thought it was aliens. OK, I thought it was an exploding cow at first but you set me straight. Lacey: Oh! Marko: Well, hello there. Lacey: You startled me. Can I help you? Wanda: Whoa, ease up she-wolf. Coming on a little strong. First things first. Lacey, this is Marko. Marko: Well, hello there. Lacey: Hi. Wanda, is this a friend of yours? Wanda: Oh, you don't have to worry about me. He's all yours. Lacey: Mine? Oh, my God. Wanda, are you trying to set me up with this guy? Wanda: You're welcome. Bad boy. Hank: I think my fake crop circles probably signalled the aliens to come here. Welcome to earth. Welcome space brothers to our humble planet. I didn't even know that's what I was writing. Karen: Hank, I did it. Hank: You signalled the aliens? Karen: No, I made the burn marks. Now I've ruined a farmer's field and broke the law. Hank: Several laws and you're a cop. Or are you? Karen: Yes, and I'm a cop who's in serious breach of protocol. Hank: Karen, look. Let me say I did this. I'll take the fall. Karen: Aw, I can't let you do that Hank. Although, it would make things way easier on me. OK, let's do that. Wanda: Well, listen to this. How many unpaid parking ticket you got? Marko: Loads. Wanda: He ain't kidding either, I saw them in his glove box. Lacey: His glove box? Have you been driving around with this guy? Wanda: Jealous much? Lacey: No, I'm just not interested in guys dressed like porn stars from the 70's, no offense. Marko: You're not far off the mark. So, what's your story? Wanda: Oh, whatever it is, you're not in it. Davis: What a day I had. Aliens, radiation... Oscar: Yeah, cry me a river. Davis: Why are you wearing my pajamas? Oscar: Because I go to bed right after supper. Maybe you could make one of those eggs pies? Davis: Quiche? Oscar: With the tomato dip. Davis: Salsa? Oscar: Speak English. Davis: On second thought, why don't we have dinner at the Ruby? My treat. Oscar: Do I have to change out of my pajamas? Davis: Your call. Marko: Seriously, I could really go for a chick like you. Wanda: I know you could. I'm a hell of a woman. But, here's the thing. You kinda creep me out. What I mean to say is, you creep me out. Probably because you're so creepy. Brent: Hey, Wanda. I need you to do the purchase orders, pronto mundo. Wanda: OK, sure, right away. Jeez, a girl can't get a sec to herself with guys like you and him around. Brent: Me and him? Marko: Nice shirt. Emma: Hey, Davis. What did you want to see me about? Davis: Hi, Emma, hi. Have a seat. Oscar: Is desert here yet? Hey, Emma. Davis: Oh, look and there's Oscar, your husband. Oscar: What, what? I wanted to stay in my pajamas. Davis: My pajamas. Emma: Wow, looks like you two are getting along. Davis: Oh, don't be fooled. Oscar doesn't like this one bit. Emma: Yeah, he told me that you make pies that are full of nothing but eggs. Oscar: Ha, ha, ha, ha. Davis: Ha, ha, ha. Oh, it does my heart good to see you two like this. Divorce would just be wrong. Emma: Who's getting a divorce? Davis: You guys. Oscar: What? Fat chance. She's not getting half of my magazines. Davis: So, you guys can work this out? Emma: There's nothing to work out. He's only staying at your place because we have a painter and the fumes make him queasy. Davis: Oh. Oscar: I spent 20 years collecting those magazines, and you can forget it. Emma: So, you don't mind being a hotel for a couple more days? Davis: No problemo. Emma: Do you have any more cookies? Oscar: I left some socks in the sink. Hope that's OK. Davis: No problemo. Oscar: Speak English. Lacey: Hey, where's your black shirt? Brent: I threw it in the dumpster. Lacey: Oh. Brent: I mean, it's just a shirt. I don't need to act like a tough guy and wear a black shirt just to get people's attention. Hello? Lacey: Oh, sorry. What? Brent: I can be plenty manly just wearing a plain, tan, you know, or custard, or whatever, what do you...what is this, a saffron bisque, or... Lacey: Brent, it's just a shirt. Who cares what colour it is? You know, it's not cool just 'cause it's dark and mysterious. Hey, what do you know about this Marko guy? Brent: I know he put me off toothpicks for a while. Karen: People of Dog River, media, icky guy I don't know. Hank Yarbo has an announcement. Hank: I um, I made the burnt circles in Bucht's field. Farmer: Is this a joke? Hank: No, I did it. Farmer: You did it? Hank: Yep, just me. Dog River Citizen: Hank did it? Karen: OK, he said he did it. You don't have to crucify him. Farmer: Wow, Hank, I have to say I'm impressed. Davis: First rate pranking Hank. Ya got me. Hank, Oh, ho, c'mon now, it was nothing. Farmer: If it was anyone else, I'd have them thrown in jail but Hank. Bravo, ha, ha, ha. Little Girl: He didn't burn the field. She did, and I saw her. Karen: She's a big, fat liar. Little Girl: You dropped your free sandwich card in the circle. Davis: And Hank took the blame for this. Hank: Karen encouraged me to. Davis: You made a mockery of the badge. Karen: Five minutes ago, everyone was impressed with the prank. Farmer: Yeah, when we thought Hank did it. Dog River Citizen: Another round of applause for Hank. Davis: Sorry, had to make it official. Karen: I understand. Hank: Be careful. She can strangle us from back there. Brent: Lacey, that bully salesman is coming and I threw away my black shirt. Lacey: You don't need the black shirt. Just go in there and stand up to him. Brent: I can't be Fonzie in a powder blue smock. You gotta help me. Salesman: Hey, buddy boy. What, are your muffins ready? Brent: Muffins. My muffins are just...never mind my muffins. Look, I didn't want your crap before and I don't want your crap now. So, you can haul your 30 boxes of crap back to Crapville. Salesman: Look... Brent: Scram! Ha, ha, all right. You just never mind my muffins. Wanda: Drooly. Category:Transcripts